Christian Counseling Service -- Devotions

After midnight, Judas

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

From John 13
Jesus was deeply troubled. "One of you will betray me. It is the one to whom I hand the morsel after I have dipped it." He dipped the morsel and handed it to Judas. After Judas took the morsel, Satan entered into him. Jesus to him, What you are going to do, do quickly." So Judas took the morsel and left at once. And it was night.

Judas stumbled on his way out. He pushed past the other disciples and shoved open the door. Night air rolled up on his face. He felt the sudden, sickening quiet. He held on desperately to the morsel of bread dipped in wine. He could not let it go.

For three years Judas lived with these brothers and sisters, and though he often disagreed with them and even with their Master, he had nearly never been alone. Now memories of all that constant talking, planning, conversation, and conflict faded and collided in his brain. Judas had not planned on this. He felt more alone than he could imagine. His eyes closed, and then he forced them open again.

Pinprick stars stared down cold above Judas. Shadows in the street were darker than dark. The dust froze around his feet. Voices rushed up in his mind. He heard the weary howl of a distant dog. He had left Jesus and his family for this awful soundless silent night?

He remembered his promise to kiss Jesus in the Garden and wondered at himself. "The means will justify the end," he thinks again, but more desperately this time. He is not so sure. Jesus is determined to go his own way and ignore this chance to lead the people. Jesus' battle is not Judas' battle.

Afraid to be alone with his thoughts, afraid to be alone with God, Judas does not pray. He has not prayed in a long time. Judas cannot hold the tensions on his own, but still he cannot pray. My heart breaks for him. Jesus' heart breaks too, although he is busy now, sharing the most important words of his life with those around him. So much is happening so quickly!

Judas did not do what he had to do, not quickly, not at all. And then hit by a tiny, personal gust of wind, he let go of the morsel of bread. He let go and it was gone.

Because he had to pray but he did not, it would not be long before events took him, before he found the rope and pulled it tight and broke his neck and died. Because he could not pray there was no time for God's alchemy. His hurt did not morph into forgiveness, his remorse did not turn to repentance, his anger never became compassion, his hatred did not find its way into love. Instead, he just died.

Didn't God love him like the rest of us? Would God not have listened to Judas and loved him? The line of good and evil does not run between us, but instead it runs right down the middle of me, and the middle of you, and the middle of Judas.

John Chisholm once preached, "I have only one Enemy, and it is NOT my brother." Somehow Satan shut Judas' ears, and so he did not know. In his own mind he knew he was right, and then he knew he was wrong, and never the two would meet. All because he could not pray.

Ron Rolheiser writes that "Christianity has always taught that failure to set aside time for private prayer results in a certain dissipation of the soul, even when our sincerity remains intact" (Holy Longing, p. 218).

This is not just true for Judas on that day long ago. It is true for me today.

Ooh-oo child, it's so true.

O Lord teach me to pray right out loud, with words, without words, with others and alone. Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me. Search me and know my heart, and lead me in the way everlasting, Lord. In all my ways I acknowledge you, let me seek you while you may be found. In my despair open my eyes just a little more and a little more, and O Lord, teach me to pray.

Devotions Archive

After midnight, Judas

Tuesday, March 27, 2018