Light in my eyes
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
1 John 1:5-6
Beloved, God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all. If we say, “We have fellowship with him,” while we continue to walk in darkness, we lie and do not act in truth.
On the other hand, John says, when we walk in the light (as Jesus is in the light), we can love each other and love God with pure hearts, because Jesus’ blood cleanses us from our sin.
I am not partial to late nights but find myself up too late too often. These can become darker times when I am more careless with myself. Sin crouches at the door of my mind. In the dark night I grow old and cold.
I am glad to know God’s forgiveness, which is right there with me. But I have stepped back from Him, and I don’t feel His warmth the way I do at other times. Joy flies away. It is difficult for me to accept God’s forgiveness. I feel superficial and cheap. His grace is too much for me.
I am learning to accept this resistance and wait through it. My opinion of my crummy self is never the point; I will never know myself like my Father does. As I wait, a second familiar sin – fear - rushes up to meet me, tempting my embrace. God longs for me to look away, look toward the Holy Spirit’s fiery, powerful, protective love. Wouldn’t I rather have my heart purified than have it eaten by the devil?
I always have the choice. I can choose the way of purification, and John promises me a walk with God in the garden if I do.
I know the darkness all too well. In the presence of God I’m learning to name it. I am gaining the courage to name it and then turn away. The hearth of the Holy Spirit is welcoming, warm and surprisingly gentle on my bones as I fall down to my knees.
This seems for me one of the great gifts God has to give.
You rescue my soul, oh Lord, like a bird from the fowler’s snare. The darkness overwhelms and traps me, but you are the Maker, even of the darkness. You break the snare, and I am free. My help is in the name of the Lord, and I will call upon your name.